She is...

Hello folks.

Haven't been able to bring myself to write since mom died.

It's like my passion for writing went into the ground with her. She was always so excited to read my stories and my little ditties about whatever was going on in my head.

This july 6th, it will have been exactly three months since she died. And honestly...it feels like yesterday. I don't know if I will ever be able to forget about how sad I am. Or how much I miss her. All the fucking time. She was my superhero.

And she'll never be able to meet my first boyfriend, my husband, walk me down the aisle, see my kids....

I'll continue to post my thoughts, worries, and life from now on. I need to get this Great Sadness out of me...it's too heavy.

Where are you Papa?

Day 138.

She just told me how she was going to die...

"...in peace in my sleep, I will float away."

I am officially broken.

She also told me that there were many angels in the room, and that one was standing right behind me.

I am so not strong enough to do this.

Floating in pieces,
Niki FM.

Day 130.

Last night I had a dream that mom died.

Her last words to me before she went to go hang out with Master J, were:

"You are strong, and beautiful and I will always be with you."

Still speechless this morning. Was it a sign? Was it a hint?

Speechless,
Niki FM.

Day 125.

Caroline told me you weigh 79 pounds today. The tumor in your neck is the size of a tennis ball, and is now growing inward.

My heart is breaking, again. But you know what my roommate Amy told me last night?

"It's like swallowing a piece of glass. It's going to hurt like hell, but one day, eventually, the edges will dull and it won't hurt as much anymore."

I love you mom. And I'm going to hurt for a long time, but one day I will wake up and things won't hurt as much. I'm going to be okay, I promise.

Shards of glass,
Niki FM.

Day 123.

Today is heavy.

I've decided to have the "it's okay to die" talk with Mom. I can't be selfish anymore. So, next weekend when I go home, I will have it.

Mom, if you get to see this, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be sad for a long time, but I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I promise you that.

I don't want you to suffer anymore. You deserve to be singing and dancing with Jesus. Not stuck here in hell on earth dying. I love you always.

Heavy and light,
Niki FM.

Day 82.

I felt Jesus today. For the first time in a long time. I felt Papa surround me. He covered The Great Sadness and gave me peace all thanks to 30 Seconds To Mars and their song "Closer To The Edge".

This peace may only last a minute, the duration of the song, an hour or the whole day. I really needed this. Thank you Papa. I love you mom. Be strong.

"Closer To The Edge"
by: 30 Seconds To Mars

I remember one moment, I tried to forget ( I remember the moment, I tried to forget)
I lost myself, is it better not said
Now I'm closer to the edge

It was a thousand to one
And a million to two
Time to go down in flames and I'm taking you
Closer to the edge

No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO NO NO

Can can can you imagine a time when the truth ran free
The birth of a song and the death of a dream (The birth of a sun the death of a dream)
Closer to the edge

This never ending story
Paid for with pride and fate
We all fall short of glory
LOST IN OUR FATE

No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO NO NO

NO NO NO NO

I will never forget
NO NO
I will never regret
NO NO
I WILL LIVE MY LIFE
NO NO NO NO
I will never forget
NO NO
I will never regret
NO NO
I WILL LIVE MY LIFE

No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO
No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO NO NO

Closer to the edge
Closer to the edge
NO NO NO NO

Closer to the edge
Closer to the edge
NO NO NO NO

Closer to the edge

Love and Rockets
Niki FM.

Day 81.

I know you are getting sicker and sicker mom. You're even beginning to smell like you are dying. Who would have thought that death had a smell. For those of you wondering, it smells sickly sweet. Last sunday I had to carry you out of nana and papa's house. You slept in my arms all the way to the train station. You wouldn't have known, but I was so scared. I wanted to scream and cry, but all I could do was smell your new scent and rub your head. I will always love you forever. As long as I am living, my mother you will always be. You are my superhero, you are my world. I hope one day I can do that for my children.

BETWEEN THE TREES
"She Is..."

She opens up my bedroom door
She's waking me up soon
"i'm turning on the light" she warns
It's the little things that you do
She's the one that start's my day..
My dear mom... my comforter
My friend forever
When life's right or wrong
She is also my laughter
Yet my sholuder to cry on

My mom is my super hero
My mom is my world ...

All out of gas no place to go
She knows just what i'll say
She turns and laughs and opens up
Her purse
And gives enough for the week
She didn't have to give but she did
It's just the kind of woman she is
Love, she is love
My dear mom...

My mom is my super hero
My mom is my world...

Love is an action that she shows me often.
Even when it's not in her kisses
Blessed with a mom who puts herself after her children.
It dosen't get much better than priceless
Priceless

My mom is my super hero
My mom is my world, yeah

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Je t'aimerais toujours.
La nuit comme le jour.
Et tante que je vivrais
Tu serais ma mère.

You will always be my superhero,
Your Coco Chanel.
XO.