Day 45.

So, it's New Years Eve, and all I can think is that I've got two months left with my mom.

Holy Shit. Time flies.

Well, here's to the next two months of The Great Sadness infecting more of my life.

Fuck cancer.


Pissed off,
Niki FM.

Day 44.

Fuck cancer.


Broken,
Niki FM.

Day 40.

Christmas Day.

Presents have been opened, pictures have been taken, and now I'm exhausted again.

It feels different this year, for obvious reasons, but also because my puppy is sleeping on top of me.

Best gift was the fact that I got to spend Christmas, her last one, with her and my family. I will cherish every moment spent with her, and keep them with me always.

Second favorite gift was the "Je T'aimerai Toujours" by Robert Munsch.



(Love You Forever) in French.

Close third best gift was the Apple Store shopping spree that I will be having on the 26th with Ray for a new 13" MacBook Pro and printer.

I'm excited to join the Mac family, and also excited to have a portable computer, not like my shitty Dell that I currently own. Although, in my defense, I've had that Dell laptop for 5 years now, and it's time to upgrade!

Anyway, I better go and snuggle with Bentley.

Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 39.

You forgot who I was today, mom. Five minutes later you couldn't spell Caroline's name. You take the amount of pain medication equivalent to knock out a 300 pound man. You weigh 90 pounds on a good day.

The Great Sadness won today, and I will fall asleep surrounded by the persistent blanket of the Great Sadness.

Papa, I need you to lift me up. Jesus, comfort me and fill me with the peace that passes all understanding.

I need you.




Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 36.

I love my little gay puppy, Mr. Bentley Jameson Nugget. He's making things lots easier to deal with.




Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

First Family Photo!

Bentley Nugget and Niki FM!!!


Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 34 cont'd.

Cried myself to sleep tonight. Fought so many temptations, and I almost lost.

Can someone just please shake me awake from this nightmare?

The Great Sadness has taken ahold of me and won't let go. It's like a nice warm blanket. Always here, always with me.

How could Papa (God) let this happen? Does He love me? Love her?

Fuck cancer,
Niki FM.

Day 34.

I'm using any means possible to forget about you dying. If i am numb, I can't feel pain, therefore I can't think about you leaving me.

The only question is: how reckless can I get without doing further damage to me?

So lost, broken and confused.


Hitting a new low,
Niki FM.

Day 31.

Fishing for a new flavor of the month. Oh man, one of the months, I'll actually not get bored with my flavors every month.

School is second to you, Mom. Love you always.


Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 30.

I am incredibly uneasy today. I feel like something bad is going to happen, to either myself or you, Mom. One month down, three go to, where has the time gone?

Today, The Great Sadness won the battle.

Fuck Cancer.


Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 28.

I asked you how much you weighed today, after losing 5 pounds from sleeping for an entire day. You said 89 pounds, and The Great Sadness enveloped me.

I don't know how to fix you, and that kills me.


Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Hakuna Matata

Total realization moment.

I'm living the Lion King.

Cancer = Scar
Mufassa = Mom
Simba = Me

Whoa. That's weird?

Heavy and Light.

Thursday.

I woke up this morning and The Great Sadness was all around me. Then I remembered I get to pick up my purebred teacup Chihuahua puppy, Miss Bentley Nugget in 2 weeks.

I still feel The Great Sadness around me, and in the pit of my stomach, but B-Nugz will make it a little easier to survive.





It's crazy. I already have so much love for her. I feel like a new mother.

Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.