I know this sounds crazy, but I saw mom twice in one day in the actions and glassware of a single person. It really freaked me out and I was taken off guard. One time is whatever, but two? Now that has to mean something. He knows who he is. I suppose this is the only place I can tell my secrets and no one will judge me, right? Well then, here is goes:
Dear Deuce Two,
You reminded me of my mother twice today. I felt safe and secure for the first time since she told me she was sick back in November. I wish you could know how much I thank you for these two little reminders of mom's. She promised she would always be with me, and I'm starting to realize it's true...she's simply gone from my sight.
The "Show-Me State" thing was something I heard a lot growing up. I was a difficult and impulsive child. When I told her I would think before I acted when I got in trouble, she would say, "I'm from Missouri. The 'show me' state!" I got it trouble a lot, and she always said, "Nicole, I'm from Missouri. Show me." It's like she was sitting right there with us at dinner. Do you know what I wouldn't give to have one more dinner with her? One more smile? One more "show me"?
Your water glasses were the same kind I grew up watching mom drink out of. Crushed ice, water line hitting the top of the arch. We would call it MW, pronounced: "M-Dub" it was shortened from "Mom's Water". MW was always the coldest and best tasting water in the house. Even up until the night before her death when I said, "See you soon, beautiful." And drove back to Chicago to switch vehicles to drive back the next morning. But no, she decided she was finally ready to run and jump and embrace Papa's outstretched arms. I'm so jealous she gets to get hang out with Papa everyday.
The burden of The Great Sadness was lifted and void for those two moments. It was the two most secure and safe moments I've felt in a long long time. So thank you, because up until those two moments today I forgot what "normal" and true happiness free of the burden felt like. It felt so soothing to feel something other than being numb all the time. Those two moments I didn't have to "fake it to make it", I was happy all on my own. It was peaceful.
Thank you.
Your favorite E-waüLLLk,
Niki.
***********************
This may be baby step one to beginning to deal with mom's passing. This could be my time to weep, this could be my time to mourn. No, not yet a time to build up, just the beginning of my time to tear down old walls.
One hour at a time. Just breathe. Mom's strength is in me.
Papa, I need you. Didn't you say, "When I am silent, I am listening. Not abandoning."?
Alright Papa, guess what?
I'm from Missouri.
Show me.
--Nicole
