"Je t'aimerais toujours. La nuit comme le jour. Et tante que je vivrais. Tu serais ma mere."
So many people take life for granted.
I was guilty of this, too.
But then I found out that the next four months will be her last.
And then I crumbled into a broken, lost and frightened child.
Two days ago, I found out that my mother, Valerie, had gotten sick again for the 17th time. And not the sick that is cured with an apple a day or a simple pill from a man in a white coat. Cancer isn't something that can be cured with a pill or an apple. She went to the doctors last Thursday and got re-biopsied in three places on her tongue and the doctors found that her cancer had relapsed and was now interwoven into every cell in her tongue and left side of her neck/jaw. This means this relapse is inoperable.
The doctors gave her three options.
1. Chemo/Radiation treatment
2. Remove the entire tongue
3. Live out the next 3 to 4 months at home with family
Chemo and radiation nearly killed her last time, and she was 30 pounds heavier than she is currently weighing in at (86 lbs. if you must know). Removing her tongue would greatly affect her quality of life, and the tongue is a necessary part of the body. She went with option 3.
Imagine the sadness and heartbreak of being told from your mother that she is dying. How would you react? What would you think?
Naturally, my heart disintegrated into oblivion and the floodgates within my eyes opened and they haven't stopped since. I became selfish and began thinking about all the things she wouldn't be able to see in my life. Me graduating college, getting married, having babies, sending my babies off to college, etc. Putting this into perspective, it's November, three months from now is February. Seems like a few weeks now, huh? And then it hits me. This is going to be her last Thanksgiving. This will be her last Christmas, her last New Years, and before I know it, her last day with me.
I can't believe this is really happening to me. And as I sit here, eyes blurred from tears, tapping away at my computer, all I can think about is how she promised she'd never leave me. She told me she'd always be here for me, no matter what; when I cried myself to sleep every night for almost two years after my dad moved away. She was the one constant in my life when the world around me was rushing by.
Words can't even begin to describe how broken inside I am. I feel like crying all the time. If I could be sick instead of her, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I'd let every cell in my body become infected with cancer to save her.
For anyone that truly knows me, knows how shitty life has been for me. I wonder how many times an individual can hit rock bottom in God and Satan's little chess game of life. "God does everything for a reason"...yeah? Well, what sort of good can come from a situation like this? Isn't He supposed to be this loving Father that hates when His children are hurting or sad?
Here's my weary burden, Papa. Carry for me. Please.
God doesn't give us things we can't handle, but I'm pretty sure I can't handle this. So many things are going through my head, and not crying is an hourly task now.
I'm so angry and sad. And it'll never come across in these simple words, but being this heartbroken shouldn't be allowed. I'm so mad at God right now. I'm so mad at everything right now. I feel so vulnerable, and I'm afraid to even leave on Sunday to go back to Chicago, for fear of something happening to her. I just want to stop time, and live for awhile. Go back to europe, vacation to Colorado again, make her proud.
And then I think about having to wake up one morning, and she's not here. I'll never get to hear my name being called in her comforting tone. Her nicknames for me will never be spoken again. People will eventually forget about her, while I'm still stuck in a rut.
"The wages of sin is death.".....well then strike me down too, God, because I've done some pretty awful things in my life.
I can't breathe anymore.
I'm suffocating in my own crystalline tears.
This is my worst nightmare come true.
This is my "Great Sadness" that has now enveloped my entire being.
-Me.
