He IS listening.

Alright Papa, You were listening.... "When I am silent, I am listening. Not abandoning."

About 20 minutes after my last post, I got a message from an old friend with three simple words:

"I just whisper".

I got the chills too.

I cried with my roommate/best friend for an hour about mom. It was good. It felt good to cry. So good I took selfsies? God put her into my life for a reason. You know what? I think we are going to be okay. I think.

"Ruin is the road to recovery and rebirth."

Alright Papa...

"I'm from Missouri, show me..."

silence.

I'm losing myself again.

Where are you, Papa?

I need you.

Love,
Nicole.

"Time for Yohe" Between the Trees

I know this sounds crazy, but I saw mom twice in one day in the actions and glassware of a single person. It really freaked me out and I was taken off guard. One time is whatever, but two? Now that has to mean something. He knows who he is. I suppose this is the only place I can tell my secrets and no one will judge me, right? Well then, here is goes:

Dear Deuce Two,

You reminded me of my mother twice today. I felt safe and secure for the first time since she told me she was sick back in November. I wish you could know how much I thank you for these two little reminders of mom's. She promised she would always be with me, and I'm starting to realize it's true...she's simply gone from my sight.

The "Show-Me State" thing was something I heard a lot growing up. I was a difficult and impulsive child. When I told her I would think before I acted when I got in trouble, she would say, "I'm from Missouri. The 'show me' state!" I got it trouble a lot, and she always said, "Nicole, I'm from Missouri. Show me." It's like she was sitting right there with us at dinner. Do you know what I wouldn't give to have one more dinner with her? One more smile? One more "show me"?

Your water glasses were the same kind I grew up watching mom drink out of. Crushed ice, water line hitting the top of the arch. We would call it MW, pronounced: "M-Dub" it was shortened from "Mom's Water". MW was always the coldest and best tasting water in the house. Even up until the night before her death when I said, "See you soon, beautiful." And drove back to Chicago to switch vehicles to drive back the next morning. But no, she decided she was finally ready to run and jump and embrace Papa's outstretched arms. I'm so jealous she gets to get hang out with Papa everyday.

The burden of The Great Sadness was lifted and void for those two moments. It was the two most secure and safe moments I've felt in a long long time. So thank you, because up until those two moments today I forgot what "normal" and true happiness free of the burden felt like. It felt so soothing to feel something other than being numb all the time. Those two moments I didn't have to "fake it to make it", I was happy all on my own. It was peaceful.

Thank you.

Your favorite E-waüLLLk,
Niki.
***********************

This may be baby step one to beginning to deal with mom's passing. This could be my time to weep, this could be my time to mourn. No, not yet a time to build up, just the beginning of my time to tear down old walls.

One hour at a time. Just breathe. Mom's strength is in me.

Papa, I need you. Didn't you say, "When I am silent, I am listening. Not abandoning."?

Alright Papa, guess what?

I'm from Missouri.

Show me.

--Nicole

She is...

Hello folks.

Haven't been able to bring myself to write since mom died.

It's like my passion for writing went into the ground with her. She was always so excited to read my stories and my little ditties about whatever was going on in my head.

This july 6th, it will have been exactly three months since she died. And honestly...it feels like yesterday. I don't know if I will ever be able to forget about how sad I am. Or how much I miss her. All the fucking time. She was my superhero.

And she'll never be able to meet my first boyfriend, my husband, walk me down the aisle, see my kids....

I'll continue to post my thoughts, worries, and life from now on. I need to get this Great Sadness out of me...it's too heavy.

Where are you Papa?

Day 138.

She just told me how she was going to die...

"...in peace in my sleep, I will float away."

I am officially broken.

She also told me that there were many angels in the room, and that one was standing right behind me.

I am so not strong enough to do this.

Floating in pieces,
Niki FM.

Day 130.

Last night I had a dream that mom died.

Her last words to me before she went to go hang out with Master J, were:

"You are strong, and beautiful and I will always be with you."

Still speechless this morning. Was it a sign? Was it a hint?

Speechless,
Niki FM.

Day 125.

Caroline told me you weigh 79 pounds today. The tumor in your neck is the size of a tennis ball, and is now growing inward.

My heart is breaking, again. But you know what my roommate Amy told me last night?

"It's like swallowing a piece of glass. It's going to hurt like hell, but one day, eventually, the edges will dull and it won't hurt as much anymore."

I love you mom. And I'm going to hurt for a long time, but one day I will wake up and things won't hurt as much. I'm going to be okay, I promise.

Shards of glass,
Niki FM.

Day 123.

Today is heavy.

I've decided to have the "it's okay to die" talk with Mom. I can't be selfish anymore. So, next weekend when I go home, I will have it.

Mom, if you get to see this, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be sad for a long time, but I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I promise you that.

I don't want you to suffer anymore. You deserve to be singing and dancing with Jesus. Not stuck here in hell on earth dying. I love you always.

Heavy and light,
Niki FM.

Day 82.

I felt Jesus today. For the first time in a long time. I felt Papa surround me. He covered The Great Sadness and gave me peace all thanks to 30 Seconds To Mars and their song "Closer To The Edge".

This peace may only last a minute, the duration of the song, an hour or the whole day. I really needed this. Thank you Papa. I love you mom. Be strong.

"Closer To The Edge"
by: 30 Seconds To Mars

I remember one moment, I tried to forget ( I remember the moment, I tried to forget)
I lost myself, is it better not said
Now I'm closer to the edge

It was a thousand to one
And a million to two
Time to go down in flames and I'm taking you
Closer to the edge

No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO NO NO

Can can can you imagine a time when the truth ran free
The birth of a song and the death of a dream (The birth of a sun the death of a dream)
Closer to the edge

This never ending story
Paid for with pride and fate
We all fall short of glory
LOST IN OUR FATE

No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO NO NO

NO NO NO NO

I will never forget
NO NO
I will never regret
NO NO
I WILL LIVE MY LIFE
NO NO NO NO
I will never forget
NO NO
I will never regret
NO NO
I WILL LIVE MY LIFE

No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO
No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO NO NO

Closer to the edge
Closer to the edge
NO NO NO NO

Closer to the edge
Closer to the edge
NO NO NO NO

Closer to the edge

Love and Rockets
Niki FM.

Day 81.

I know you are getting sicker and sicker mom. You're even beginning to smell like you are dying. Who would have thought that death had a smell. For those of you wondering, it smells sickly sweet. Last sunday I had to carry you out of nana and papa's house. You slept in my arms all the way to the train station. You wouldn't have known, but I was so scared. I wanted to scream and cry, but all I could do was smell your new scent and rub your head. I will always love you forever. As long as I am living, my mother you will always be. You are my superhero, you are my world. I hope one day I can do that for my children.

BETWEEN THE TREES
"She Is..."

She opens up my bedroom door
She's waking me up soon
"i'm turning on the light" she warns
It's the little things that you do
She's the one that start's my day..
My dear mom... my comforter
My friend forever
When life's right or wrong
She is also my laughter
Yet my sholuder to cry on

My mom is my super hero
My mom is my world ...

All out of gas no place to go
She knows just what i'll say
She turns and laughs and opens up
Her purse
And gives enough for the week
She didn't have to give but she did
It's just the kind of woman she is
Love, she is love
My dear mom...

My mom is my super hero
My mom is my world...

Love is an action that she shows me often.
Even when it's not in her kisses
Blessed with a mom who puts herself after her children.
It dosen't get much better than priceless
Priceless

My mom is my super hero
My mom is my world, yeah

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Je t'aimerais toujours.
La nuit comme le jour.
Et tante que je vivrais
Tu serais ma mère.

You will always be my superhero,
Your Coco Chanel.
XO.

Day 72.

"Save You"
By: Simple Plan

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
I wish I could save you

Trying to save you,
Niki FM.

Day 69.

I've been feeling so detached lately.

I fill any alone time I've got with friends and my dog. I am afraid to be alone. My mind races to everything that could ever be bad and shitty, and then I end up crying and hating my life all over again.

My friends tell me that I'm the strongest person they know, that they would be an absolute mess if they were in my shoes. But I have a secret. I put up this front that I am okay with things, that my life is alright. I smile and nod and listen to their opinions or thoughts on the subject of my mother's terminal cancer prognosis. I offer an uplifting thought or even a story on how I think Papa(God) may just be tired of seeing her suffering and Jesus just wants to hang out with her in a place where she'll never feel any pain. I try to take comfort in the thought of her not having any pain, but my mind goes back to the thought of her never being in my life again.

I lied, people. I'm a fucking mess. I cry everyday. I'm SO mad at Papa. I thought He loved me. I thought He wanted my ultimate happiness. It's pretty shitty of Him to take away the one person in my life that IS my ultimate happiness. I shouldn't dwell on the fact that she won't be able to walk me down the aisle, or the fact that she won't see her first grandchild. It sucks.

Don't get me wrong, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimist. In fact, despite all the shit that has happened in my life I seem pretty happy and bubbly and always ready for an adventure. But to watch her die? That's an adventure even a little too big for me.

I just want someone to grab me by the shoulders and look me in the eyes and say, "Nicole Elizabeth Kaiser, you WILL be okay. You WILL survive this, and your mother will always be with you. In the way the sun shines when it rains, in the way that Aaron sings the breathe song, in the way that you laugh, in the way you dream, and in the way you make people feel wanted and needed. She will always be with you." But this is asking too much of someone. This is my burden to bear.

I am afraid to let friends bear this burden, because I'm so protective of them. I love them SO much, that I would never in a million years want to lay my burden on them, just so they wouldn't have to feel the weight. Yes, they are always here for me, and to name a few that have been on my mind at the moment(Sammarco, Beuscher, Sonya, Brooke, Dav, Lion) I owe you my very world. You are always there for me at the drop of a hat and would even take a bullet to the brain for me. I love you all so very f*cking much. Seriously. All the amazing times we've had. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Please forgive me for all these crazy thoughts rolling around in my head. I just have to get everything out. I should probably get a psychiatrist. He or she might be able to help me get over this whole situation. Forget my daddy issues...now I've got a whole new set of mommy issues.

Today was the first day of school. I was excited, but also a little sad knowing what the coming weeks and months would bring. Papa, please give me the strength to carry this burden.

I love you all.

Day 65.

I can feel myself slowly beginning to shut out the people closest to me. I feel like I'm imploding into the very cave I call a chest. As if my lungs were swallowing my organs from the inside out. Breathing is a chore. Not even ambien can keep The Great Sadness away. I am broken, and I'm not sure I will fully recover from this.

Here I go. Doing what I do best. If I shut out the reality of the world, I can't get hurt, right? If I build a fortress around my castle, nothing should get to it, right?

I can't live without my mom...

Suffocating from within,
Niki FM.

Day 59.

You told me today you found pop cans in my room. I haven't drank pop of any kind in three years because of my lap band.

I hate this. Fuck cancer.


Irritated,
Niki FM.

Day 51.

Listening to Ludwig van Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".

I'm afraid to close my eyes. All I see is an open casket. Mom lying inside, her face cold like cement, soul evacuated from body. No more sunshine in your chocolate brown eyes. No more perfectly straight smile that calm even the most deadly natural disasters within me. No more warmth. Only death. No more soothing voice to call my name when I need to hear it in that tone of voice that quiets my tears. No more laughter when I tell a joke that isn't even funny. No more French whispered in my ears as I sleep while you rock me back and forth, back and forth "I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as you are living, my baby you'll be." No life. Only death.

I can't breathe anymore.

I've lost faith. I've lost Jesus. I've lost hope. The Great Sadness has won today's battle. I hate this. I hate everything about this.

You told Caroline to put away the candy that was being used next week. There was no candy. There was nothing.

You keep saying you're feeling fine, but you hallucinate and mumble and forget things. Simple things. Things that were said not five minutes ago.

I'm not sure if I am strong enough for this. Breathing is a chore. Living life like a normal human being is a chore.

I wanted you to walk me down the aisle. So did Caroline. We picked you, not Ray, not our real dad...YOU, mom.

What happens when I need you and you are no longer here to help? What then? Who am I supposed to go to?

Jesus, please take me home. In Jesus, I'm ready to come home. Take me home!

I love you Mommy, forever. I will always like you. As long as I am living, my mother you will be.

Broken and Teary-eyed,
Niki FM.