Day 69.

I've been feeling so detached lately.

I fill any alone time I've got with friends and my dog. I am afraid to be alone. My mind races to everything that could ever be bad and shitty, and then I end up crying and hating my life all over again.

My friends tell me that I'm the strongest person they know, that they would be an absolute mess if they were in my shoes. But I have a secret. I put up this front that I am okay with things, that my life is alright. I smile and nod and listen to their opinions or thoughts on the subject of my mother's terminal cancer prognosis. I offer an uplifting thought or even a story on how I think Papa(God) may just be tired of seeing her suffering and Jesus just wants to hang out with her in a place where she'll never feel any pain. I try to take comfort in the thought of her not having any pain, but my mind goes back to the thought of her never being in my life again.

I lied, people. I'm a fucking mess. I cry everyday. I'm SO mad at Papa. I thought He loved me. I thought He wanted my ultimate happiness. It's pretty shitty of Him to take away the one person in my life that IS my ultimate happiness. I shouldn't dwell on the fact that she won't be able to walk me down the aisle, or the fact that she won't see her first grandchild. It sucks.

Don't get me wrong, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimist. In fact, despite all the shit that has happened in my life I seem pretty happy and bubbly and always ready for an adventure. But to watch her die? That's an adventure even a little too big for me.

I just want someone to grab me by the shoulders and look me in the eyes and say, "Nicole Elizabeth Kaiser, you WILL be okay. You WILL survive this, and your mother will always be with you. In the way the sun shines when it rains, in the way that Aaron sings the breathe song, in the way that you laugh, in the way you dream, and in the way you make people feel wanted and needed. She will always be with you." But this is asking too much of someone. This is my burden to bear.

I am afraid to let friends bear this burden, because I'm so protective of them. I love them SO much, that I would never in a million years want to lay my burden on them, just so they wouldn't have to feel the weight. Yes, they are always here for me, and to name a few that have been on my mind at the moment(Sammarco, Beuscher, Sonya, Brooke, Dav, Lion) I owe you my very world. You are always there for me at the drop of a hat and would even take a bullet to the brain for me. I love you all so very f*cking much. Seriously. All the amazing times we've had. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Please forgive me for all these crazy thoughts rolling around in my head. I just have to get everything out. I should probably get a psychiatrist. He or she might be able to help me get over this whole situation. Forget my daddy issues...now I've got a whole new set of mommy issues.

Today was the first day of school. I was excited, but also a little sad knowing what the coming weeks and months would bring. Papa, please give me the strength to carry this burden.

I love you all.