So, it's New Years Eve, and all I can think is that I've got two months left with my mom.
Holy Shit. Time flies.
Well, here's to the next two months of The Great Sadness infecting more of my life.
Fuck cancer.
Pissed off,
Niki FM.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Day 40.
Christmas Day.
Presents have been opened, pictures have been taken, and now I'm exhausted again.
It feels different this year, for obvious reasons, but also because my puppy is sleeping on top of me.
Best gift was the fact that I got to spend Christmas, her last one, with her and my family. I will cherish every moment spent with her, and keep them with me always.
Second favorite gift was the "Je T'aimerai Toujours" by Robert Munsch.
(Love You Forever) in French.
Close third best gift was the Apple Store shopping spree that I will be having on the 26th with Ray for a new 13" MacBook Pro and printer.
I'm excited to join the Mac family, and also excited to have a portable computer, not like my shitty Dell that I currently own. Although, in my defense, I've had that Dell laptop for 5 years now, and it's time to upgrade!
Anyway, I better go and snuggle with Bentley.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Presents have been opened, pictures have been taken, and now I'm exhausted again.
It feels different this year, for obvious reasons, but also because my puppy is sleeping on top of me.
Best gift was the fact that I got to spend Christmas, her last one, with her and my family. I will cherish every moment spent with her, and keep them with me always.
Second favorite gift was the "Je T'aimerai Toujours" by Robert Munsch.
(Love You Forever) in French.
Close third best gift was the Apple Store shopping spree that I will be having on the 26th with Ray for a new 13" MacBook Pro and printer.
I'm excited to join the Mac family, and also excited to have a portable computer, not like my shitty Dell that I currently own. Although, in my defense, I've had that Dell laptop for 5 years now, and it's time to upgrade!
Anyway, I better go and snuggle with Bentley.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Day 39.
You forgot who I was today, mom. Five minutes later you couldn't spell Caroline's name. You take the amount of pain medication equivalent to knock out a 300 pound man. You weigh 90 pounds on a good day.
The Great Sadness won today, and I will fall asleep surrounded by the persistent blanket of the Great Sadness.
Papa, I need you to lift me up. Jesus, comfort me and fill me with the peace that passes all understanding.
I need you.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
The Great Sadness won today, and I will fall asleep surrounded by the persistent blanket of the Great Sadness.
Papa, I need you to lift me up. Jesus, comfort me and fill me with the peace that passes all understanding.
I need you.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Day 36.
I love my little gay puppy, Mr. Bentley Jameson Nugget. He's making things lots easier to deal with.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Day 34 cont'd.
Cried myself to sleep tonight. Fought so many temptations, and I almost lost.
Can someone just please shake me awake from this nightmare?
The Great Sadness has taken ahold of me and won't let go. It's like a nice warm blanket. Always here, always with me.
How could Papa (God) let this happen? Does He love me? Love her?
Fuck cancer,
Niki FM.
Can someone just please shake me awake from this nightmare?
The Great Sadness has taken ahold of me and won't let go. It's like a nice warm blanket. Always here, always with me.
How could Papa (God) let this happen? Does He love me? Love her?
Fuck cancer,
Niki FM.
Day 34.
I'm using any means possible to forget about you dying. If i am numb, I can't feel pain, therefore I can't think about you leaving me.
The only question is: how reckless can I get without doing further damage to me?
So lost, broken and confused.
Hitting a new low,
Niki FM.
The only question is: how reckless can I get without doing further damage to me?
So lost, broken and confused.
Hitting a new low,
Niki FM.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Day 31.
Fishing for a new flavor of the month. Oh man, one of the months, I'll actually not get bored with my flavors every month.
School is second to you, Mom. Love you always.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
School is second to you, Mom. Love you always.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Day 30.
I am incredibly uneasy today. I feel like something bad is going to happen, to either myself or you, Mom. One month down, three go to, where has the time gone?
Today, The Great Sadness won the battle.
Fuck Cancer.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Today, The Great Sadness won the battle.
Fuck Cancer.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Day 28.
I asked you how much you weighed today, after losing 5 pounds from sleeping for an entire day. You said 89 pounds, and The Great Sadness enveloped me.
I don't know how to fix you, and that kills me.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
I don't know how to fix you, and that kills me.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Hakuna Matata
Total realization moment.
I'm living the Lion King.
Cancer = Scar
Mufassa = Mom
Simba = Me
Whoa. That's weird?
I'm living the Lion King.
Cancer = Scar
Mufassa = Mom
Simba = Me
Whoa. That's weird?
Heavy and Light.
Thursday.
I woke up this morning and The Great Sadness was all around me. Then I remembered I get to pick up my purebred teacup Chihuahua puppy, Miss Bentley Nugget in 2 weeks.
I still feel The Great Sadness around me, and in the pit of my stomach, but B-Nugz will make it a little easier to survive.
It's crazy. I already have so much love for her. I feel like a new mother.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
I woke up this morning and The Great Sadness was all around me. Then I remembered I get to pick up my purebred teacup Chihuahua puppy, Miss Bentley Nugget in 2 weeks.
I still feel The Great Sadness around me, and in the pit of my stomach, but B-Nugz will make it a little easier to survive.
It's crazy. I already have so much love for her. I feel like a new mother.
Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
My Worst Nightmare Come True...
"Je t'aimerais toujours. La nuit comme le jour. Et tante que je vivrais. Tu serais ma mere."
So many people take life for granted.
I was guilty of this, too.
But then I found out that the next four months will be her last.
And then I crumbled into a broken, lost and frightened child.
Two days ago, I found out that my mother, Valerie, had gotten sick again for the 17th time. And not the sick that is cured with an apple a day or a simple pill from a man in a white coat. Cancer isn't something that can be cured with a pill or an apple. She went to the doctors last Thursday and got re-biopsied in three places on her tongue and the doctors found that her cancer had relapsed and was now interwoven into every cell in her tongue and left side of her neck/jaw. This means this relapse is inoperable.
The doctors gave her three options.
1. Chemo/Radiation treatment
2. Remove the entire tongue
3. Live out the next 3 to 4 months at home with family
Chemo and radiation nearly killed her last time, and she was 30 pounds heavier than she is currently weighing in at (86 lbs. if you must know). Removing her tongue would greatly affect her quality of life, and the tongue is a necessary part of the body. She went with option 3.
Imagine the sadness and heartbreak of being told from your mother that she is dying. How would you react? What would you think?
Naturally, my heart disintegrated into oblivion and the floodgates within my eyes opened and they haven't stopped since. I became selfish and began thinking about all the things she wouldn't be able to see in my life. Me graduating college, getting married, having babies, sending my babies off to college, etc. Putting this into perspective, it's November, three months from now is February. Seems like a few weeks now, huh? And then it hits me. This is going to be her last Thanksgiving. This will be her last Christmas, her last New Years, and before I know it, her last day with me.
I can't believe this is really happening to me. And as I sit here, eyes blurred from tears, tapping away at my computer, all I can think about is how she promised she'd never leave me. She told me she'd always be here for me, no matter what; when I cried myself to sleep every night for almost two years after my dad moved away. She was the one constant in my life when the world around me was rushing by.
Words can't even begin to describe how broken inside I am. I feel like crying all the time. If I could be sick instead of her, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I'd let every cell in my body become infected with cancer to save her.
For anyone that truly knows me, knows how shitty life has been for me. I wonder how many times an individual can hit rock bottom in God and Satan's little chess game of life. "God does everything for a reason"...yeah? Well, what sort of good can come from a situation like this? Isn't He supposed to be this loving Father that hates when His children are hurting or sad?
Here's my weary burden, Papa. Carry for me. Please.
God doesn't give us things we can't handle, but I'm pretty sure I can't handle this. So many things are going through my head, and not crying is an hourly task now.
I'm so angry and sad. And it'll never come across in these simple words, but being this heartbroken shouldn't be allowed. I'm so mad at God right now. I'm so mad at everything right now. I feel so vulnerable, and I'm afraid to even leave on Sunday to go back to Chicago, for fear of something happening to her. I just want to stop time, and live for awhile. Go back to europe, vacation to Colorado again, make her proud.
And then I think about having to wake up one morning, and she's not here. I'll never get to hear my name being called in her comforting tone. Her nicknames for me will never be spoken again. People will eventually forget about her, while I'm still stuck in a rut.
"The wages of sin is death.".....well then strike me down too, God, because I've done some pretty awful things in my life.
I can't breathe anymore.
I'm suffocating in my own crystalline tears.
This is my worst nightmare come true.
This is my "Great Sadness" that has now enveloped my entire being.
-Me.
So many people take life for granted.
I was guilty of this, too.
But then I found out that the next four months will be her last.
And then I crumbled into a broken, lost and frightened child.
Two days ago, I found out that my mother, Valerie, had gotten sick again for the 17th time. And not the sick that is cured with an apple a day or a simple pill from a man in a white coat. Cancer isn't something that can be cured with a pill or an apple. She went to the doctors last Thursday and got re-biopsied in three places on her tongue and the doctors found that her cancer had relapsed and was now interwoven into every cell in her tongue and left side of her neck/jaw. This means this relapse is inoperable.
The doctors gave her three options.
1. Chemo/Radiation treatment
2. Remove the entire tongue
3. Live out the next 3 to 4 months at home with family
Chemo and radiation nearly killed her last time, and she was 30 pounds heavier than she is currently weighing in at (86 lbs. if you must know). Removing her tongue would greatly affect her quality of life, and the tongue is a necessary part of the body. She went with option 3.
Imagine the sadness and heartbreak of being told from your mother that she is dying. How would you react? What would you think?
Naturally, my heart disintegrated into oblivion and the floodgates within my eyes opened and they haven't stopped since. I became selfish and began thinking about all the things she wouldn't be able to see in my life. Me graduating college, getting married, having babies, sending my babies off to college, etc. Putting this into perspective, it's November, three months from now is February. Seems like a few weeks now, huh? And then it hits me. This is going to be her last Thanksgiving. This will be her last Christmas, her last New Years, and before I know it, her last day with me.
I can't believe this is really happening to me. And as I sit here, eyes blurred from tears, tapping away at my computer, all I can think about is how she promised she'd never leave me. She told me she'd always be here for me, no matter what; when I cried myself to sleep every night for almost two years after my dad moved away. She was the one constant in my life when the world around me was rushing by.
Words can't even begin to describe how broken inside I am. I feel like crying all the time. If I could be sick instead of her, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I'd let every cell in my body become infected with cancer to save her.
For anyone that truly knows me, knows how shitty life has been for me. I wonder how many times an individual can hit rock bottom in God and Satan's little chess game of life. "God does everything for a reason"...yeah? Well, what sort of good can come from a situation like this? Isn't He supposed to be this loving Father that hates when His children are hurting or sad?
Here's my weary burden, Papa. Carry for me. Please.
God doesn't give us things we can't handle, but I'm pretty sure I can't handle this. So many things are going through my head, and not crying is an hourly task now.
I'm so angry and sad. And it'll never come across in these simple words, but being this heartbroken shouldn't be allowed. I'm so mad at God right now. I'm so mad at everything right now. I feel so vulnerable, and I'm afraid to even leave on Sunday to go back to Chicago, for fear of something happening to her. I just want to stop time, and live for awhile. Go back to europe, vacation to Colorado again, make her proud.
And then I think about having to wake up one morning, and she's not here. I'll never get to hear my name being called in her comforting tone. Her nicknames for me will never be spoken again. People will eventually forget about her, while I'm still stuck in a rut.
"The wages of sin is death.".....well then strike me down too, God, because I've done some pretty awful things in my life.
I can't breathe anymore.
I'm suffocating in my own crystalline tears.
This is my worst nightmare come true.
This is my "Great Sadness" that has now enveloped my entire being.
-Me.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Note to Self:
Dear nicole,
The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.
And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.
These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today, the strangers with their stories. "We are all in this together." It is absolutely true. That girl with sadness in her heart and chaos in her mind. She's with us. You love her, and you can see it. You could see it, and you told her it wasn't hers to carry. You told her about grace, and you told her about the song. And you believed it. You were certain of it. So if it's true for her, then isn't it also true for you?
Wake up. You're alive.
Your Friend,
nicole.
PS: And that thing… I know you think about it a lot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. It never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. It's not your name. You are free.
The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.
And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.
These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today, the strangers with their stories. "We are all in this together." It is absolutely true. That girl with sadness in her heart and chaos in her mind. She's with us. You love her, and you can see it. You could see it, and you told her it wasn't hers to carry. You told her about grace, and you told her about the song. And you believed it. You were certain of it. So if it's true for her, then isn't it also true for you?
Wake up. You're alive.
Your Friend,
nicole.
PS: And that thing… I know you think about it a lot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. It never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. It's not your name. You are free.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Almost Alice, Nearly Nicole...
A very merry unbirthday to all of you.
I've recently been obsessed with the 'Almost Alice' soundtrack and 'Alice in Wonderland' score, not because of the amazing music or the smooth melodies that take me to my own Wonderland, but because I find myself thinking about my own personal Wonderland, and if I'll ever be "the right Nicole"....see the movie to understand.
Am I growing up to be the person I'm supposed to be? Am I on the right path? Then again, I've believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast...just like Alice Kingsley.
Sometimes I get this feeling like I should be doing something greater with my life. My three greatest fears? Drowning, the Dark, and not being remembered past my death. I just want to prove the world wrong, prove to myself that I am the right Nicole...or am I?
My sister is turning 18 in a couple weeks. She's actually going to college with a financially smart head on her shoulders. She saves up her money, whilst I spend mine. I sometimes feel like I'm somehow letting her down. Of all the important people in my life, I want her to be the most proud of me. She's my whole world, and she's growing up to be such an amazing young lady. I can't wait to give her all her presents. They'll be amazing!
School is bumpy right now. I'm in this Human Sexuality class and I'm beginning to realize that I might need to lower my standards in order to find someone compatible enough. That's me...I always settle, though my mother taught me never to settle for second best. Always reach for the best. But after doing this project on the pressures in today's society to loose one's virginity...its irritating to think that most guys want a dip in the honey jar, before they try getting to know you. I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down and have kids at 20, but seriously...how come I hear all these people get surprised when I tell them I've never been on a date or had a boyfriend? My girl friends tell me I'm pretty, but I've never heard that from a guy. I know God will provide, but I just don't want to settle. The question becomes, can a boy and a girl have a non-sexual dating relationship and wait to have sex until they are married? Pfft....what am I saying?
Anyway, back to Alice in Wonderland. She fell back down her rabbit hole and returned to Wonderland to end the Red Queen's reign of terror and return the crown to the White Queen. She finally realizes she's the real Alice and must be the White Queen's champion to slay the Jabberwocky with the Vorpal sword. All I'm saying, I can't wait until I have that moment of realization that I am the real Nicole. Oh frabjous day, cahluh, cahlay.
I've got to get back to doing homework, and then possibly working out via Fitness TV. Kim Kardashian workout really is amazing. In Jesus, I'm ready to come home!
Peace, Love and OFF WITH HER HEAD!
I've recently been obsessed with the 'Almost Alice' soundtrack and 'Alice in Wonderland' score, not because of the amazing music or the smooth melodies that take me to my own Wonderland, but because I find myself thinking about my own personal Wonderland, and if I'll ever be "the right Nicole"....see the movie to understand.
Am I growing up to be the person I'm supposed to be? Am I on the right path? Then again, I've believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast...just like Alice Kingsley.
Sometimes I get this feeling like I should be doing something greater with my life. My three greatest fears? Drowning, the Dark, and not being remembered past my death. I just want to prove the world wrong, prove to myself that I am the right Nicole...or am I?
My sister is turning 18 in a couple weeks. She's actually going to college with a financially smart head on her shoulders. She saves up her money, whilst I spend mine. I sometimes feel like I'm somehow letting her down. Of all the important people in my life, I want her to be the most proud of me. She's my whole world, and she's growing up to be such an amazing young lady. I can't wait to give her all her presents. They'll be amazing!
School is bumpy right now. I'm in this Human Sexuality class and I'm beginning to realize that I might need to lower my standards in order to find someone compatible enough. That's me...I always settle, though my mother taught me never to settle for second best. Always reach for the best. But after doing this project on the pressures in today's society to loose one's virginity...its irritating to think that most guys want a dip in the honey jar, before they try getting to know you. I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down and have kids at 20, but seriously...how come I hear all these people get surprised when I tell them I've never been on a date or had a boyfriend? My girl friends tell me I'm pretty, but I've never heard that from a guy. I know God will provide, but I just don't want to settle. The question becomes, can a boy and a girl have a non-sexual dating relationship and wait to have sex until they are married? Pfft....what am I saying?
Anyway, back to Alice in Wonderland. She fell back down her rabbit hole and returned to Wonderland to end the Red Queen's reign of terror and return the crown to the White Queen. She finally realizes she's the real Alice and must be the White Queen's champion to slay the Jabberwocky with the Vorpal sword. All I'm saying, I can't wait until I have that moment of realization that I am the real Nicole. Oh frabjous day, cahluh, cahlay.
I've got to get back to doing homework, and then possibly working out via Fitness TV. Kim Kardashian workout really is amazing. In Jesus, I'm ready to come home!
Peace, Love and OFF WITH HER HEAD!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Tik Tok Parody.
My beautiful sister and I decided to make a parody song of 'TikTok' by Ke$ha.
Lyrics written by:
Nicole & Caroline.
Music by:
Ke$ha.
Verse 1:
Wake up in the morning watching YouTube vidz.
Got my sweatband on my head, I'm 'bout to hit the gym.
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a tube of crest.
Cuz when I leave for the gym, I'm gonna look the best.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus:
Don't stop, make it hot.
Trainer push me 'til I drop.
Tonight, Imma fight 'til I see the sunlight.
Tik Tok on the clock.
But the workout don't stop, no.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Verse 2:
Ain't got no muscle in my body, but got plenty of fat.
Ain't got no water in my bottle, but I'm alright with that.
And now the bros are linin' up cuz they hear I got swagger.
But I kick 'em to the curb unless they look like my trainer.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus x2.
End. Enjoy?
Lyrics written by:
Nicole & Caroline.
Music by:
Ke$ha.
Verse 1:
Wake up in the morning watching YouTube vidz.
Got my sweatband on my head, I'm 'bout to hit the gym.
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a tube of crest.
Cuz when I leave for the gym, I'm gonna look the best.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus:
Don't stop, make it hot.
Trainer push me 'til I drop.
Tonight, Imma fight 'til I see the sunlight.
Tik Tok on the clock.
But the workout don't stop, no.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Verse 2:
Ain't got no muscle in my body, but got plenty of fat.
Ain't got no water in my bottle, but I'm alright with that.
And now the bros are linin' up cuz they hear I got swagger.
But I kick 'em to the curb unless they look like my trainer.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus x2.
End. Enjoy?
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