Day 39.

You forgot who I was today, mom. Five minutes later you couldn't spell Caroline's name. You take the amount of pain medication equivalent to knock out a 300 pound man. You weigh 90 pounds on a good day.

The Great Sadness won today, and I will fall asleep surrounded by the persistent blanket of the Great Sadness.

Papa, I need you to lift me up. Jesus, comfort me and fill me with the peace that passes all understanding.

I need you.




Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 36.

I love my little gay puppy, Mr. Bentley Jameson Nugget. He's making things lots easier to deal with.




Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

First Family Photo!

Bentley Nugget and Niki FM!!!


Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 34 cont'd.

Cried myself to sleep tonight. Fought so many temptations, and I almost lost.

Can someone just please shake me awake from this nightmare?

The Great Sadness has taken ahold of me and won't let go. It's like a nice warm blanket. Always here, always with me.

How could Papa (God) let this happen? Does He love me? Love her?

Fuck cancer,
Niki FM.

Day 34.

I'm using any means possible to forget about you dying. If i am numb, I can't feel pain, therefore I can't think about you leaving me.

The only question is: how reckless can I get without doing further damage to me?

So lost, broken and confused.


Hitting a new low,
Niki FM.

Day 31.

Fishing for a new flavor of the month. Oh man, one of the months, I'll actually not get bored with my flavors every month.

School is second to you, Mom. Love you always.


Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.

Day 30.

I am incredibly uneasy today. I feel like something bad is going to happen, to either myself or you, Mom. One month down, three go to, where has the time gone?

Today, The Great Sadness won the battle.

Fuck Cancer.


Love and Lipstick,
Niki FM.