"Je t'aimerais toujours. La nuit comme le jour. Et tante que je vivrais. Tu serais ma mere."
So many people take life for granted.
I was guilty of this, too.
But then I found out that the next four months will be her last.
And then I crumbled into a broken, lost and frightened child.
Two days ago, I found out that my mother, Valerie, had gotten sick again for the 17th time. And not the sick that is cured with an apple a day or a simple pill from a man in a white coat. Cancer isn't something that can be cured with a pill or an apple. She went to the doctors last Thursday and got re-biopsied in three places on her tongue and the doctors found that her cancer had relapsed and was now interwoven into every cell in her tongue and left side of her neck/jaw. This means this relapse is inoperable.
The doctors gave her three options.
1. Chemo/Radiation treatment
2. Remove the entire tongue
3. Live out the next 3 to 4 months at home with family
Chemo and radiation nearly killed her last time, and she was 30 pounds heavier than she is currently weighing in at (86 lbs. if you must know). Removing her tongue would greatly affect her quality of life, and the tongue is a necessary part of the body. She went with option 3.
Imagine the sadness and heartbreak of being told from your mother that she is dying. How would you react? What would you think?
Naturally, my heart disintegrated into oblivion and the floodgates within my eyes opened and they haven't stopped since. I became selfish and began thinking about all the things she wouldn't be able to see in my life. Me graduating college, getting married, having babies, sending my babies off to college, etc. Putting this into perspective, it's November, three months from now is February. Seems like a few weeks now, huh? And then it hits me. This is going to be her last Thanksgiving. This will be her last Christmas, her last New Years, and before I know it, her last day with me.
I can't believe this is really happening to me. And as I sit here, eyes blurred from tears, tapping away at my computer, all I can think about is how she promised she'd never leave me. She told me she'd always be here for me, no matter what; when I cried myself to sleep every night for almost two years after my dad moved away. She was the one constant in my life when the world around me was rushing by.
Words can't even begin to describe how broken inside I am. I feel like crying all the time. If I could be sick instead of her, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I'd let every cell in my body become infected with cancer to save her.
For anyone that truly knows me, knows how shitty life has been for me. I wonder how many times an individual can hit rock bottom in God and Satan's little chess game of life. "God does everything for a reason"...yeah? Well, what sort of good can come from a situation like this? Isn't He supposed to be this loving Father that hates when His children are hurting or sad?
Here's my weary burden, Papa. Carry for me. Please.
God doesn't give us things we can't handle, but I'm pretty sure I can't handle this. So many things are going through my head, and not crying is an hourly task now.
I'm so angry and sad. And it'll never come across in these simple words, but being this heartbroken shouldn't be allowed. I'm so mad at God right now. I'm so mad at everything right now. I feel so vulnerable, and I'm afraid to even leave on Sunday to go back to Chicago, for fear of something happening to her. I just want to stop time, and live for awhile. Go back to europe, vacation to Colorado again, make her proud.
And then I think about having to wake up one morning, and she's not here. I'll never get to hear my name being called in her comforting tone. Her nicknames for me will never be spoken again. People will eventually forget about her, while I'm still stuck in a rut.
"The wages of sin is death.".....well then strike me down too, God, because I've done some pretty awful things in my life.
I can't breathe anymore.
I'm suffocating in my own crystalline tears.
This is my worst nightmare come true.
This is my "Great Sadness" that has now enveloped my entire being.
-Me.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Note to Self:
Dear nicole,
The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.
And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.
These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today, the strangers with their stories. "We are all in this together." It is absolutely true. That girl with sadness in her heart and chaos in her mind. She's with us. You love her, and you can see it. You could see it, and you told her it wasn't hers to carry. You told her about grace, and you told her about the song. And you believed it. You were certain of it. So if it's true for her, then isn't it also true for you?
Wake up. You're alive.
Your Friend,
nicole.
PS: And that thing… I know you think about it a lot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. It never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. It's not your name. You are free.
The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.
And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.
These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today, the strangers with their stories. "We are all in this together." It is absolutely true. That girl with sadness in her heart and chaos in her mind. She's with us. You love her, and you can see it. You could see it, and you told her it wasn't hers to carry. You told her about grace, and you told her about the song. And you believed it. You were certain of it. So if it's true for her, then isn't it also true for you?
Wake up. You're alive.
Your Friend,
nicole.
PS: And that thing… I know you think about it a lot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. It never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. It's not your name. You are free.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Almost Alice, Nearly Nicole...
A very merry unbirthday to all of you.
I've recently been obsessed with the 'Almost Alice' soundtrack and 'Alice in Wonderland' score, not because of the amazing music or the smooth melodies that take me to my own Wonderland, but because I find myself thinking about my own personal Wonderland, and if I'll ever be "the right Nicole"....see the movie to understand.
Am I growing up to be the person I'm supposed to be? Am I on the right path? Then again, I've believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast...just like Alice Kingsley.
Sometimes I get this feeling like I should be doing something greater with my life. My three greatest fears? Drowning, the Dark, and not being remembered past my death. I just want to prove the world wrong, prove to myself that I am the right Nicole...or am I?
My sister is turning 18 in a couple weeks. She's actually going to college with a financially smart head on her shoulders. She saves up her money, whilst I spend mine. I sometimes feel like I'm somehow letting her down. Of all the important people in my life, I want her to be the most proud of me. She's my whole world, and she's growing up to be such an amazing young lady. I can't wait to give her all her presents. They'll be amazing!
School is bumpy right now. I'm in this Human Sexuality class and I'm beginning to realize that I might need to lower my standards in order to find someone compatible enough. That's me...I always settle, though my mother taught me never to settle for second best. Always reach for the best. But after doing this project on the pressures in today's society to loose one's virginity...its irritating to think that most guys want a dip in the honey jar, before they try getting to know you. I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down and have kids at 20, but seriously...how come I hear all these people get surprised when I tell them I've never been on a date or had a boyfriend? My girl friends tell me I'm pretty, but I've never heard that from a guy. I know God will provide, but I just don't want to settle. The question becomes, can a boy and a girl have a non-sexual dating relationship and wait to have sex until they are married? Pfft....what am I saying?
Anyway, back to Alice in Wonderland. She fell back down her rabbit hole and returned to Wonderland to end the Red Queen's reign of terror and return the crown to the White Queen. She finally realizes she's the real Alice and must be the White Queen's champion to slay the Jabberwocky with the Vorpal sword. All I'm saying, I can't wait until I have that moment of realization that I am the real Nicole. Oh frabjous day, cahluh, cahlay.
I've got to get back to doing homework, and then possibly working out via Fitness TV. Kim Kardashian workout really is amazing. In Jesus, I'm ready to come home!
Peace, Love and OFF WITH HER HEAD!
I've recently been obsessed with the 'Almost Alice' soundtrack and 'Alice in Wonderland' score, not because of the amazing music or the smooth melodies that take me to my own Wonderland, but because I find myself thinking about my own personal Wonderland, and if I'll ever be "the right Nicole"....see the movie to understand.
Am I growing up to be the person I'm supposed to be? Am I on the right path? Then again, I've believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast...just like Alice Kingsley.
Sometimes I get this feeling like I should be doing something greater with my life. My three greatest fears? Drowning, the Dark, and not being remembered past my death. I just want to prove the world wrong, prove to myself that I am the right Nicole...or am I?
My sister is turning 18 in a couple weeks. She's actually going to college with a financially smart head on her shoulders. She saves up her money, whilst I spend mine. I sometimes feel like I'm somehow letting her down. Of all the important people in my life, I want her to be the most proud of me. She's my whole world, and she's growing up to be such an amazing young lady. I can't wait to give her all her presents. They'll be amazing!
School is bumpy right now. I'm in this Human Sexuality class and I'm beginning to realize that I might need to lower my standards in order to find someone compatible enough. That's me...I always settle, though my mother taught me never to settle for second best. Always reach for the best. But after doing this project on the pressures in today's society to loose one's virginity...its irritating to think that most guys want a dip in the honey jar, before they try getting to know you. I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down and have kids at 20, but seriously...how come I hear all these people get surprised when I tell them I've never been on a date or had a boyfriend? My girl friends tell me I'm pretty, but I've never heard that from a guy. I know God will provide, but I just don't want to settle. The question becomes, can a boy and a girl have a non-sexual dating relationship and wait to have sex until they are married? Pfft....what am I saying?
Anyway, back to Alice in Wonderland. She fell back down her rabbit hole and returned to Wonderland to end the Red Queen's reign of terror and return the crown to the White Queen. She finally realizes she's the real Alice and must be the White Queen's champion to slay the Jabberwocky with the Vorpal sword. All I'm saying, I can't wait until I have that moment of realization that I am the real Nicole. Oh frabjous day, cahluh, cahlay.
I've got to get back to doing homework, and then possibly working out via Fitness TV. Kim Kardashian workout really is amazing. In Jesus, I'm ready to come home!
Peace, Love and OFF WITH HER HEAD!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Tik Tok Parody.
My beautiful sister and I decided to make a parody song of 'TikTok' by Ke$ha.
Lyrics written by:
Nicole & Caroline.
Music by:
Ke$ha.
Verse 1:
Wake up in the morning watching YouTube vidz.
Got my sweatband on my head, I'm 'bout to hit the gym.
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a tube of crest.
Cuz when I leave for the gym, I'm gonna look the best.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus:
Don't stop, make it hot.
Trainer push me 'til I drop.
Tonight, Imma fight 'til I see the sunlight.
Tik Tok on the clock.
But the workout don't stop, no.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Verse 2:
Ain't got no muscle in my body, but got plenty of fat.
Ain't got no water in my bottle, but I'm alright with that.
And now the bros are linin' up cuz they hear I got swagger.
But I kick 'em to the curb unless they look like my trainer.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus x2.
End. Enjoy?
Lyrics written by:
Nicole & Caroline.
Music by:
Ke$ha.
Verse 1:
Wake up in the morning watching YouTube vidz.
Got my sweatband on my head, I'm 'bout to hit the gym.
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a tube of crest.
Cuz when I leave for the gym, I'm gonna look the best.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus:
Don't stop, make it hot.
Trainer push me 'til I drop.
Tonight, Imma fight 'til I see the sunlight.
Tik Tok on the clock.
But the workout don't stop, no.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Ohh, whoa, oh.
Verse 2:
Ain't got no muscle in my body, but got plenty of fat.
Ain't got no water in my bottle, but I'm alright with that.
And now the bros are linin' up cuz they hear I got swagger.
But I kick 'em to the curb unless they look like my trainer.
I'm talkin' 'bout sneakers on my feet, feet.
Rockin' out to this beat, beat.
Watchin' what I eat, eat.
Now, now I'm playing my favorite CD's.
Rockin' out to the 80's.
Tryna get a little bit sweaty.
Chorus x2.
End. Enjoy?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Don't Stop Believin'...
Greetings to my few viewers. HAHA
So I'm listening to "Don't Stop Believin" by the Glee Cast, wallowing in self pity.
First things first. I didn't work out today, so that's probably why I feel so yucky. And I kinda splurged on lunch, and ate like a cup of food......failure. Anyway, we'll deal with my food issues later.
Secondly, I've been entertaining second thoughts about Columbia College of Chicago. Currently, I am going to CCC for a Bachelor of Arts in Music Business Management with an emphasis in Talent Management. It's amazing, and it's cool that in two year I'll be graduating with the degree and hopefully tour around with a bunch of bands. But then again, because of this recession, my hopes and dreams are kinda slowly drifting away. I mean, everyone knows the music business is slowly dying and the DIY era is upon us. I just wish things could be easier. I mean, I'll apply for a few internships and all, but what if things don't work out? Will I have wasted four years of my life and $120,000 of money to just work at some 9-5 desk job that I hate?
Pre-med and Med School have been on the brain lately. Let's face it, I thrive on helping people. People people gives me this weird sort of unexplained satisfaction. Plus, I'm a mama bear. I could be compared the the great Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy. She would the my role model, along with Hunter "Patch" Adams. Now I know what you are all thinking. This girl isn't smart enough for all the math and science it takes to become a doctor. You're probably right. I got a 16 on my ACT the first time I took it, and then a 19 the second time I took it. It's not that I'm not smart enough. My IQ is 135, I was tested last year to find out the number....so it's surely not that I'm not smart enough. It's just math is a little too complicated for my ADD brain. No, the ADD isn't a cop out. It's real. I've just been able to control it.
If I were to go to med school and pass with flying colors, I would either work at: The Geshundheit Institute created by the famous Hunter "Patch" Adams. It would be amazing to help children. Laughter is the best medicine, because for that sole moment, the child/parent isn't worried about the disease, the bills or the feeling of helplessness. I feel that once in awhile. The big ones that come to mind: My sister, Sonya, Amanda S., Amanda B., Jamie.....the important ones. I love those girls.....seriously they are all my sisters. They're my family. :)
Or, I'd work at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN and be a cancer doctor for children. I would want to give familes hope, and bring sunshine into their darkend lives. After reading "My Sister's Keeper", I would want to be the light in the darkness of a family struck with jevenile carcinoma. I'm a helper. I help people. It's what I'm best at.
Because let's face it, people will ALWAYS need doctors. Old ones die, new ones are needed to fill their places. And, with a last name like Kaiser....you should become a doctor. It sounds amazing...
Dr. Nicole E. Kaiser M.D.
Amazing. Anyway, just some of my thoughts, to keep you updated.
Peace, Love and Laughter.
NicoleVonDee.
So I'm listening to "Don't Stop Believin" by the Glee Cast, wallowing in self pity.
First things first. I didn't work out today, so that's probably why I feel so yucky. And I kinda splurged on lunch, and ate like a cup of food......failure. Anyway, we'll deal with my food issues later.
Secondly, I've been entertaining second thoughts about Columbia College of Chicago. Currently, I am going to CCC for a Bachelor of Arts in Music Business Management with an emphasis in Talent Management. It's amazing, and it's cool that in two year I'll be graduating with the degree and hopefully tour around with a bunch of bands. But then again, because of this recession, my hopes and dreams are kinda slowly drifting away. I mean, everyone knows the music business is slowly dying and the DIY era is upon us. I just wish things could be easier. I mean, I'll apply for a few internships and all, but what if things don't work out? Will I have wasted four years of my life and $120,000 of money to just work at some 9-5 desk job that I hate?
Pre-med and Med School have been on the brain lately. Let's face it, I thrive on helping people. People people gives me this weird sort of unexplained satisfaction. Plus, I'm a mama bear. I could be compared the the great Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy. She would the my role model, along with Hunter "Patch" Adams. Now I know what you are all thinking. This girl isn't smart enough for all the math and science it takes to become a doctor. You're probably right. I got a 16 on my ACT the first time I took it, and then a 19 the second time I took it. It's not that I'm not smart enough. My IQ is 135, I was tested last year to find out the number....so it's surely not that I'm not smart enough. It's just math is a little too complicated for my ADD brain. No, the ADD isn't a cop out. It's real. I've just been able to control it.
If I were to go to med school and pass with flying colors, I would either work at: The Geshundheit Institute created by the famous Hunter "Patch" Adams. It would be amazing to help children. Laughter is the best medicine, because for that sole moment, the child/parent isn't worried about the disease, the bills or the feeling of helplessness. I feel that once in awhile. The big ones that come to mind: My sister, Sonya, Amanda S., Amanda B., Jamie.....the important ones. I love those girls.....seriously they are all my sisters. They're my family. :)
Or, I'd work at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN and be a cancer doctor for children. I would want to give familes hope, and bring sunshine into their darkend lives. After reading "My Sister's Keeper", I would want to be the light in the darkness of a family struck with jevenile carcinoma. I'm a helper. I help people. It's what I'm best at.
Because let's face it, people will ALWAYS need doctors. Old ones die, new ones are needed to fill their places. And, with a last name like Kaiser....you should become a doctor. It sounds amazing...
Dr. Nicole E. Kaiser M.D.
Amazing. Anyway, just some of my thoughts, to keep you updated.
Peace, Love and Laughter.
NicoleVonDee.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
An Evening Out With The JoBros.
Good evening.
I thought I should write a quick blog, and give you an update on my world. I know the title is misleading, but you'll understand why.
First off, congrats to me. I lost like 4 pounds! WOO HOO! YAY ME! I have lost a total of 23 pounds. I have a total of 4.5 cc's in my band, and I'm feeling great. Hopefully with continued exercise and a proper diet, I can loose 2 pounds a week instead of one.
Secondly, I had a lovely evening with the Fab Four: Me, Beusch, Brit and Jen. We had a lovely dinner, where I repeatedly was obnoxious in a public place, and made everyone laugh. We then decided to go to Target before our movie started to get some water for cheap, and I got lost. I got lost in one of the isles. So hilarious. We played marco-polo until they could find me.
Finally, I am 19 years old. I saw the Jonas Brothers 3D Concert. And let's just say that my mind was in a rather raunchy place. Shame on me, I know, but I couldn't help it. Kevin is 21. Not bad. Very handsome, very nice, and incredibly talented at guitar. Not the problem. Joe is 19. My age. No biggie, right? However, Nick is only 16. I am a pervert. Seriously. Anyway, I went and saw the concert. I clapped, and smiled and raved. It was the perfect end to a perfect evening with the girls.
This weekend will be full of relaxation, and homework. I miss you all, and I can't wait till Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out in July and then New Moon in November.
Peace, Love and Jonas.
I thought I should write a quick blog, and give you an update on my world. I know the title is misleading, but you'll understand why.
First off, congrats to me. I lost like 4 pounds! WOO HOO! YAY ME! I have lost a total of 23 pounds. I have a total of 4.5 cc's in my band, and I'm feeling great. Hopefully with continued exercise and a proper diet, I can loose 2 pounds a week instead of one.
Secondly, I had a lovely evening with the Fab Four: Me, Beusch, Brit and Jen. We had a lovely dinner, where I repeatedly was obnoxious in a public place, and made everyone laugh. We then decided to go to Target before our movie started to get some water for cheap, and I got lost. I got lost in one of the isles. So hilarious. We played marco-polo until they could find me.
Finally, I am 19 years old. I saw the Jonas Brothers 3D Concert. And let's just say that my mind was in a rather raunchy place. Shame on me, I know, but I couldn't help it. Kevin is 21. Not bad. Very handsome, very nice, and incredibly talented at guitar. Not the problem. Joe is 19. My age. No biggie, right? However, Nick is only 16. I am a pervert. Seriously. Anyway, I went and saw the concert. I clapped, and smiled and raved. It was the perfect end to a perfect evening with the girls.
This weekend will be full of relaxation, and homework. I miss you all, and I can't wait till Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out in July and then New Moon in November.
Peace, Love and Jonas.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Braveheart and my adjustment.
Hello all.
I thought I should update you all on how my adjustment is going.
First off, the only real problem is that I can't eat solid food until after 2pm. Otherwise I have a protein shake for breakfast and lunch. Don't get me wrong, its not like I throw up, it's simply that I just get way too much heart burn after I eat before 2 pm.
I don't feel like I'm loosing weight, even though I work out every other day. Granted I'm not going to a gym, but I'm doing Fitness On Demand. It's free through my cable service provider, and they have 10 minute Cardio blasts for each area: abs, arms, legs, and butt. Which is equivalent to 40 minute work outs every other day. But still, I feel like I'm not loosing much weight. Sad. Maybe I will go on a scrictly liquid diet, just to kick start the weight loss.
Third, or whatever the hell number I am on now, I really need to learn when to stop eating. I've trained my brain to feel full when my plate is empty. And I know for certain that I'm not eating the 1/2 cup of food per meal. I'm eating more. Yuck, I feel like such a failure when I eat. It's the sad truth. Don't worry, I'm not going to get all ana on ya'll, but it's just what's inside my head. I'm not feeling pressure to be thinner, I simply feel disgusting at this weight. My goal is to loose 120 pounds. I've already lost 20, so 100 to go. I know I can do better, but we'll see how things go.
I really just need some motivation right now. Any tips?
Anyway, I am watching Braveheart and Pearl Harbor at the same time. I have to have love for Braveheart. Yes, the dudes in that movie are ugly as hell, but the accents make me melt. Seriously, I would move to Scotland for 6 months to a year just to gain the accent. How cute would I sound? HAHAHA. I would love my accent, instead of regular old and boring wisconsin accent. LAMEEEEE. Pearl Harbor is cute, because of the outfits. I loved the 20's and 40's. The fashion was killer.
Alright, I'll get back to the movies. Possibly work out for a second time today...I am having a fat and ugly day. Stupid girl emotions. Anyway love you all.
Sincerely,
Me.
PS: Go see "He's Just Not That Into You".....ultimate chick flick of the year. It's adorable, plus it has some great actors in it: Justin Long, Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Ben Affleck...who was by far very cool in this movie. After the whole JLo thing, he fell apart and his street cred went down the toilet. HAHAH
Peace, Love and Scotland.
I thought I should update you all on how my adjustment is going.
First off, the only real problem is that I can't eat solid food until after 2pm. Otherwise I have a protein shake for breakfast and lunch. Don't get me wrong, its not like I throw up, it's simply that I just get way too much heart burn after I eat before 2 pm.
I don't feel like I'm loosing weight, even though I work out every other day. Granted I'm not going to a gym, but I'm doing Fitness On Demand. It's free through my cable service provider, and they have 10 minute Cardio blasts for each area: abs, arms, legs, and butt. Which is equivalent to 40 minute work outs every other day. But still, I feel like I'm not loosing much weight. Sad. Maybe I will go on a scrictly liquid diet, just to kick start the weight loss.
Third, or whatever the hell number I am on now, I really need to learn when to stop eating. I've trained my brain to feel full when my plate is empty. And I know for certain that I'm not eating the 1/2 cup of food per meal. I'm eating more. Yuck, I feel like such a failure when I eat. It's the sad truth. Don't worry, I'm not going to get all ana on ya'll, but it's just what's inside my head. I'm not feeling pressure to be thinner, I simply feel disgusting at this weight. My goal is to loose 120 pounds. I've already lost 20, so 100 to go. I know I can do better, but we'll see how things go.
I really just need some motivation right now. Any tips?
Anyway, I am watching Braveheart and Pearl Harbor at the same time. I have to have love for Braveheart. Yes, the dudes in that movie are ugly as hell, but the accents make me melt. Seriously, I would move to Scotland for 6 months to a year just to gain the accent. How cute would I sound? HAHAHA. I would love my accent, instead of regular old and boring wisconsin accent. LAMEEEEE. Pearl Harbor is cute, because of the outfits. I loved the 20's and 40's. The fashion was killer.
Alright, I'll get back to the movies. Possibly work out for a second time today...I am having a fat and ugly day. Stupid girl emotions. Anyway love you all.
Sincerely,
Me.
PS: Go see "He's Just Not That Into You".....ultimate chick flick of the year. It's adorable, plus it has some great actors in it: Justin Long, Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Ben Affleck...who was by far very cool in this movie. After the whole JLo thing, he fell apart and his street cred went down the toilet. HAHAH
Peace, Love and Scotland.
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